When God Changes a Jacob into an Israel

A series of recent and not-so-recent events have led me to rejoice in God's deliverance from a way of thinking that had pervaded my thought patterns for as long as I can remember. Please allow me to share some of what God can do with a life.

As a child, I was very emotional. I remember frequently that I would be found crying for no apparent reason. My mother probably considered my tears to be "cute" and I was not ashamed to show my emotions. Maybe part of it was due to the fact that I had been the first child and was doted upon by all my relatives and especially my mother. Probably an even larger part that added to the tension was that I was hospitalized at age 9 with cancer. It was very painful and recovery was somewhat slow. Yet the biggest problem was internal. I learned that I could get people to do almost anything for me if I only told them my sob story. My circumstances did not make me to be like that, but because of these circumstances, my internal selfishness was able to emerge through manipulation of circumstances.

The problem I had was masked for many years. My friends learned to love me despite these flaws, and my parents probably just got accustomed to them. Furthermore, I was not a problem child. I was outwardly very obedient and rarely caused people trouble. The other side of that picture is that I almost always got what I wanted from life. I was fairly easy-to-please and didn't demand very much from life, so I was not often disappointed by things such as moves, new friends, or going on long road trips. Yet occasionally, I would find a subtle way to get my way. I remember one time when I went to the store with my uncle because I had forgotten a toothbrush. Somehow we ended up leaving the store with not only a toothbrush, but a new BB-gun. It was one of my subtle ways of being a “Jacob” and manipulating myself into “blessings.”

My selfish rebellion came out fairly strongly after a relationship in high-school which didn't work out. It was the first time when I wasn't able to get my way in a situation. It would be almost two years before I finally overcame the bitterness against the situation. I really was driven into new territory: depression.

So I went to Northland Baptist Bible College. My plans were all set in stone: I was going to get done with school quickly, get a wife, get a seminary education, and return to Germany ASAP to begin a Bible institute. Those goals seemed noble enough, so I thought that nothing could go wrong. Throughout my first year, everything was peachy and all going according to plan. That summer, however, I entered into probably the darkest time of my life. I was constantly depressed. I came back to school that fall very depressed and things got worse when I was told to delay dating a girl I liked. Financially, I was barely making it. To put things in bluntly, I was not getting my way and having pity parties for myself while still trying to manipulate myself into what I wanted for my life.

So I ended up finally getting an OK to date the girl at the end of my sophomore year and things were wonderful. I had a companion whom I could tell my sob stories and she was compassionate enough to listen. Yet she always rubbed me the wrong way. Her life verse was Acts 20:24, and it went against every fiber in my being, because it was the last thing I could honestly say. My circumstances were either controlled or depressing to me. I knew I was to marry her from the first time we met and started to scheme about how to do that—maybe even before I finished college. After my Junior year, I went to Germany (as planned) to do an internship at home. I hardly earned any money while there, and it was a really difficult time for my family. I had planned to propose to my girlfriend, but was turned down by her father—twice!

Things continued to get worse as I entered into debt to go back for my final year of college. My grandpa—who had been my spiritual hero—died, my Dad's oldest brother died, and some other things happened around me that tore my heart. (Maybe at this point I should confess that I had prayed at the beginning of that year that God would bring suffering to my life.) As the year drew to a close, my girlfriend's parents started pushing for us to take some time off. They almost broke off the relationship immediately, but waited for a few weeks. After the day of prayer at NBBC, we both knew that it was time to lay our “Isaac” on the altar. We were originally going to talk once per month, but were asked not to talk at all, and since she did not return to school, we have not talked since January.

During that time, she rebuked me very bluntly, telling me: “You're selfish!” Her words pierced me through, though I didn't know how to fix the problem. I attempted everything in my power to keep her and nothing worked. All of our friends were sympathetic and on our side. It seemed that circumstances should not line up that way.

I have learned how to rely on God to meet my needs, because He is faithful to meet needs—even when circumstances get worse than one could imagine. I was, however, still in bondage to this great foe of depression and manipulation. I tried to manipulate and if it did not work, I became depressed. This was true even of the time after my girlfriend and I were no longer talking. I schemed—in vain—to find a way to convince her parents that we belonged to each other. I was firmly convinced that it was God's will for us to be together (much like it was God's will for Jacob to have a blessing), but it was not through my scheming that he would bring it about. I had read the story of Jacob at the beginning of our separation and I knew that I would have to face God, but I continued running.

Last week was Missions Conference. I was incredibly uneasy during the week, though I forced myself to pay attention. One message about how serving Christ is not a sacrifice. I knew that to be true, but I also saw my “suffering” and wanted to count it as sacrifice, which it was not. Really, Jesus is so much gain that Paul counted everything else as “dung” in comparison. (Philippians 3:8) Another message later in the week was on the story of Jacob wrestling with the Lord. I was astonished to hear a message during missions conference about this topic. It almost didn't happen. The speaker (Hantz Bernard) had his text preached on by the previous speaker and at the last minute decided to preach out of Genesis 32:22-32. As soon as Jacob came up, I knew that it was directed towards me.

I was lifting weights with a friend and told him not to “baby” his shoulder. It wasn't until later that I realized that I had been babying myself. It is that fact that leads me both into manipulation and depression. Thus, it seems as if God has brought me to a place of showing me a deeper root of sin in my life. I cannot obtain the “blessings” of this life by my own means. I have been—like Jacob—further weakened from my flesh. I await with hopeful expectation the blessing of having my name changed from “Jacob” to “Israel.” And as to those whose lives I have hurt with my sin, I trust that God will bring about reconciliation as He did with Jacob and Esau after the wrestling match. Maybe He will lead me into the Promised Land!

As God continues to teach me, I covet your prayers. The weight of change—though not on my shoulders alone—is quite heavy upon me. I desperately need God's help.